Who I am one year on from having a baby

The first year of being a mum was completely different to how I ever imagined it. It is a complete rollercoaster of emotions that nobody fully prepares you for, but I would not change it for the world.

The first year of being a mum…

When Reuben was born, I was with his dad and we lived at his parent’s house, so I always had help if I needed it. I struggled massively with having our own routine, to fit around everyone else’s. Someone always wanted a cuddle and I constantly battled between wanting to cuddle my own baby, but not wanting him to be in someone’s arms all the time.

I loved the newborn stage, it is probably my favourite stage. I just loved the sleepy cuddles, the cute little outfits. Reuben was quite an ‘easy’ baby. I say easy, but no baby is easy. However, in comparison to some of my friends’ babies, I know I was quite lucky with him!

One of the toughest times I had with Reuben was when he was a month old. He would not sleep anywhere but my arms and as soon as I put him down, or gave him to anyone else, he would just cry. It was heart-breaking.

Hearing him cry was and still is one of the worst noises I can ever hear.

We had about 3-4 days of this. It was exhausting and I just broke down. I have always known babies can cry for no reason, but I hated not knowing how to make him happy. I would cry for hours every day, until I realised all he wanted was me, he felt safe with me and wanted my touch. This feeling never ever gets easier, even one year on.

Sometimes, I still break down, I still struggle…but I have learnt that it is okay.

I love to cook, so weaning was super fun and I loved watching Reuben explore new tastes and textures. I used a mixture of baby led and normal weaning. He absolutely loved getting messy and will eat pretty much anything you put in front of him, so in that respect, I am incredibly lucky.

We moved out of Reuben’s grandparents in November of last year and I started to really struggle. Reuben’s dad was not the most helpful around the flat and I was basically doing everything myself, which had a massive effect on my physical and mental health.

I started to not enjoy being a mum, I would cry and feel guilty for not enjoying being a mum. In reality, I was so stressed, anxious and overworked. I was looking after Reuben all day and going to work in the evening until about 2am, and then waking up at 6am with Reuben. All whilst trying to keep the flat tidy, eat properly and make time for myself. It just was not do-able.

A cook, a cleaner, a waitress in a hotel, I was not me.

My relationship with Reuben’s dad has never been good, he was very controlling and abusive, so this was something I was dealing with whilst being a new mum, which was incredibly difficult. He was not abusive whilst I was pregnant, but it started incredibly early on in our relationship after he isolated me away from my family, who I did not speak to for almost 3 years.

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Just before Reuben turned one, I found the strength to leave his dad. It was by far one of the most difficult things I have ever done but I knew if I wanted to find myself again, this was what I had to do.

A year after having Reuben, I finally feel like myself again, I have time to myself. I can relax, do things I enjoy. I also enjoy being a mum, although I still massively struggle with my anxiety, I feel a million times better than I did at the start of this year. I have started getting back into makeup and doing things I enjoy